Simple plan

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Somehow I amaze with human brain. How they can think and make decision and all the cognitive process in it. Including my brain too.
Sometimes, I wonder if other people’s brain is also like mine. I mean, I dunno, but my brain keep making scenarios about one thing. From the best moment till the worst.
Like nowadays case.
I forgot to tell, yeah, BlackBerry officially closed down for good. And we are that last till the project end, was terminated. Our last day is actually last friday.
I repeating the cycle like when I just finish my masters. Applying for job. I mean, I applied to like hundred companies (well yeah, I’m exagerating, I know) until me, myself, don’t know which company that actually I applied to.
Some of them are calling and contacting me, but most of them requires me to relocate to singapore or the job requirement is actually don’t match with me.
Spent the last weeks of february, makes me realize something. Chances are do exist but there is a chance that you didn’t be given a chance at all.
Looking to all my colleagues, I know that every person has their own fate and own way. Even the closest person to you will be having different fate from you. You cannot expect people will save you, you have to save your own ass by yourself.
Therefore, last night till this morning, I’m thinking hardly, and my brain starts making scenarios and plan. And those thought, really gave me a plan. From how if I experience the best till the worst.
So, here it is.
Plan A. CVG will contact me. I deal with them. Waiting till may and improving myself while waiting. Just count the days as the resting days before work.
Plan B. I deal with other company around KL or selangor which can start soon. Whether this march or april. Think of it, this is the best condition for me.
Plan C. I deal with other company which located outside KL or selangor. Like penang? Johor? I dunno, but maybe if yes, I might leave all my life here in KL, and move to other state. Kind of bad case, because yeah, I have to leave my life here. But I still can bring my cat along with me.
Plan D. The worst one. If till the end of march I didn’t deal with any company in malaysia, I will be back to my country. For good. But not to jakarta. I don’t want to give my parents stress and pressure watching me day by day while I’m in stress condition too. It’ll make the condition worst. Maybe I will pick purwakarta for the next destination. I am quite familiar with that small city and the location is good.
Of course, I will lose everything. My life, my SO and my cat. But it is for our own goodness. I don’t want to be selfish keeping my SO in commitment while he deserve to have someone better than me to take care of him right? Being in LDR will just hurt both of us and isn’t that just repeating the old story? I love him and I don’t want to see him being hurt, even a bit. But, we haven’t tied in legal marriage so, i think this is the best for us if this worst case is really happened.  Actually, for the plan c and plan d, I think about it for quite a long time  There is a chance that the case will happened to me. We don’t know the future right?

Tired

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I’m exhausted. Barely manage to stand on my feet. Barely keep my sanity. Barely control my emotion. The holes, everywhere. Barely keeping space for myself. The patches, opens, and it leaves a new scratch. Seems like it’s incurable, infection, and it’s rotten. People jealous, I just give a bitter smile. 

TPA

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Well, finally I know why I am more clicked with animals rather than with humans.. I can trust animal more than human and at least they want to listen whatever things that I babbled about.
Maybe, in the trash bin categories, I am the last place to throw all the garbages before it’s being burned out, you know, like TPA in Indonesia. Kind of Bantar Gebang, or something like that..
Well yeah, maybe it is better for not saying anything, sharing anything, or talking about anything to somebody else. In the end, it’s only left you two choices, they’ll talk about it behind you or they won’t care about it, at all.
Anyway, if (even) your parents didn’t want to listen and understand you, what do you expect with other people?

Shock therapy

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BlackBerry is closing down.. At least in suth malaysia. That’s what I heard from my site head. Shock? Yeah.. Who don’t? But so far I can hide my shockness pretty well. Actually, it’s not really a bad news for me.. Well, practically I won’t lose my job in suth, all team members will be moved to uber project, and all will be fine.
Well, I hope it will..
Actually, I don’t feel bad nor feel good about moving to uber. Change is hard, I know that, but the thing is, I don’t see any prospect in uber. Its just an app with service, not a legal public transport. And seeing what gojek experience right now, I don’t have any confidence about it.
I am not saying that uber will be bankrupt or what, but its more to personal feeling or my gut feeling, intuition? I don’t know, maybe we can call it that.
This situation made me realize, sooner or later, I will move from this company also.. I ever considering resignation before, but I am comfy with this team and the work. But now, I think I should plan what I am going to do if someday I want to resign from this company.
Actually, I’ve check several companies that offering a job post that I like. But again, I’m stuck because of location. It’s left me with two choices if I want to take those jobs, one whether I have to use a (shitty schedule) rapid bus transport or two, moving totally to those location. Both of choices is quite hard to choose.
If I am just a normal single lady, it would be easy,  that I can move as long as I like, but how then? I am a single cat lady, I have a cat under my responsibility, and nyunyeng is more like my kid instead of my cat.
To be honest, I am starting to feel uncomfy in my current house. Maybe because I am not a social person, and because of some problem going ahead in this house, so I don’t really feel that this house is my home.
I am dreaming, of getting out of this house, renting a small unit by myself, and living there peacefully with my cat, leaving all the problems behind me, starting a whole new life again, erasing all the footprints that sometimes still haunted me in my dreams.
Maybe I will take this step, if I really resigning from suth.
As a girl, sometimes I am dreaming I will leaving this house because I am marrying someone, but I can’t push people right? Moreover, now I am reconsidering getting married as a life options. Seems like it’s so hard to get married. A lot of things that you have to do and etcetra and etcetra.. I don’t really mind if I have to be single for the rest of my life though..
Plus, I already made a decision, that my current BF will be my last BF, if this relationship also didn’t work, I won’t try to search again. I am tired already.
I will tell my parents about this later when I am going home this month. At least, they are prepared and not to put so much hope on me.
Okay, back to topic before..
My clock now is tick tocking.. I don’t know when I should resign, but for sure, I have to be prepared for it.
Nothing last forever, including my problems. Of course I have to sort it out since it will not solve by itself.
I hope everything will be clear soon, and I hope all the best for me and everyone in my team..

Dear God

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God,
If someday I have a child,
If you allow me to have one,
Remind me to not make them what I want,
To not make them pay for their sibling failure,
To not make them suffer for my happiness,
To not cover the shame that I have to bear because of my fault,
To not make them afraid of me by all reasons,
To not make them work hard but not for their life,
God, I am just human that always forgot, so please remind me this,
So, I won’t make them feel what I feel right now.
It hurts God, really hurt..

Hypnotherapy session

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Yeah, I won’t pursue anyone. I welcome every people that want to come to my life, but I also open the big door for whoever that wants to leave. I won’t hold onto anyone who wants to leave. Its your choice. And once you leave me, I won’t care anymore, because its my choice.

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If people ask me, what I want the most in my life, of course I would say to be happy. Thus, from now on, I won’t let myself struggle as long as I can. If chocolate can reduce my stress, then for now, slim is not my option. I prefer to keep alive and sane rather than thinking about my weight day by day which adding my stress and not helping to lose them. I know I am in my best shape when I am happy. Therefore, if people ask me, “Don’t you scared that people will leave you when you’re fat and ugly?”. Ha! Let them leave then, so I know, which one whose real and which one whose fake plastic trees.
I just want to be happy. I love myself and I value my life more than anyone’s life. That’s all that matters. Sound selfish, but ask yourself, didn’t you want the same thing for your life?

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Yeah, I am strong and I can overcome all the problems that gotten to my life.
Be it career, family, love life, social life, ANYTHING!
I am gifted. I have a strong heart, I have a good brain, I have a sharp intuition.
And I won’t let my God disappointed with me cause I didn’t use all the gift He had given me.

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Yeah.. Like miley said, there  always gonna be another mountain that we have to reach. Its ain’t about how fast we reach in, its the climb process through it.

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Yup! I always forget this one. Like Prophet Muhammad SAW said “God will not test His servant if he/she can’t overcome and resolve His test”.

I gotta be strong, just keep pushing on!

**note to my future self : Please read this if you need some motivation.

Regards,

Me.