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Childish thought

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How I wish I can turn back time and become a kid again.

What am I doing in this holiday? I supposedly not being sad and scared, i should be happy and in a festive mood.

Aah.. how happy a kid should be. They don’t have any burdened about anything. They don’t have to filter their mouth. They can speak whatever they have in their head. They don’t have to keep the people’s feeling. They don’t scared about their future. How I wish I still have those optimistic thought, after all that I’ve been through.

People that didn’t know me, maybe just saying that I’m having marriage blues. However it’s not that simple. The anxiety that I feel, is more than that. You know, it’s like you’ve been fell into a trap and you cannot free from it. You don’t know when life will eat you alive, don’t know people will depress you more and you’ll being forced to understand them. Just because you still can reserve a bit of your sanity and inteligence. Or maybe because you have better education, better job, or just simply better life in their eyes. 

I know I’m not quite normal since I was a kid. Growing happily maybe not really in my dictionary. Yes, I have some good memories. But if I count and compare with the bad one, maybe it can be more than the happy one. If not, there was no normal and happy child thinking to murder her whole family and tried to commit suicide whe she was just a ten years old. People who see in a blind eye will start blaming TV and video games. They won’t ever try to seek for the root cause.

I don’t know why, God seems like gave me a picturized of after my marriage life to me. Like all drama that I watch randomly, the news that I saw in FB timeline, unexpected blogpost that I opened accidentally. All in the same themes. Seems like all media conspire to warn me.

There were more than one story, about kind husband turn into evil husband and start to tortured his wife mentally, wife asked for divorce, the husband doesn’t want divorce her, because he already feel shame to his family because their marriage is never given full blessing from the husband side. Whatever problem that he face with his family, he will put all the blame to his wife. Court didn’t approve the wife divorce proposal, since the husband is still giving money, seems love their child, not abusing physically, not cheating, and acting kindly and loving to his wife when judgement day coming. When his wife finally died because of depression, the husband realize and asking forgiveness at his wife grave. Which is already late.

Second themes of the story, about mother in law who really hate the daughter in law. The husband loves his wife, kind and whatsoever good husband do. However, he cannot say no to his mother. The reason is always he is the older one of their siblings, and the mother is already old and sick. No one willing to take care of his mother. Whatever his mother did to his wife, the husband knows, however he just ask the wife to be patience. Wisely giving advice that the mother is also her parents. One day, his wife broke her amniotic fluid, and got bleeding while pregnant. The cause is the mother in law ordered her to do domestic work that a bit hard, like pumping water using manual pump and wash the clothes not using machine. His wife died, his child died. The husband? Just feeling guilty for the rest of his life 

Third themes of the story, the husband also kind and loving husband. He can say no to his parents. He knows, his parent didn’t like his wife, so he brought his wife far away from his home. Anyway, the family of the husband is a bit mystic. They play with black magic. They did whatever they can do in order to make the husband and wife break. In the end, the wife also suffered. Having weird disease that doctor cannot detect, until they find a good muslim preacher, and said that this is a black magic. 

I know that all the stories seems a bit dramatic, however, it is the reality that occured in society. No one could escape from reality. 

And me? Yes I am scared. I don’t know what the future holds for me. At this time, I just feel fell into one hole and still finding a way to climb and escape. 

My life seems in trial and error. Maybe I should give it a try. People said, the hardest part of marriage is in first 5 years. If you can go through more than five years, you probably survive till the end. Let see if I can still survive in five years. 

Apa kabar bujang?

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Bujang, lagi apa disana nak? Mama kangen banget sama bujang..

Dulu waktu bujang masih hidup, kalo mama kangen bujang masih bisa sedikit keobatin sama video2 tingkah lucu bujang yang papa kirimin tiap hari.. sekarang kalo mama kangen bujang, mama harus ngapain nak?

Mama tau, nggak harusnya mama sedih terus, udah hampir 3 minggu bujang pergi. Harusnya mama bisa lebih ikhlas. Tapi apa daya nak, mama cuma manusia biasa, kadang suka bertanya2 ke Tuhan, kenapa umur kamu kok singkat bener, kalo boleh nawar, mama mau ngasih sebagian umur mama asal bujang hidup dengan sehat dan bahagia. Asal bujang masih bisa nemenin mama, sampe nanti, sampe kalo bisa kita ga beda jauh perginya. Tapi mama harusnya sadar juga, kalo umur bujang terbatas. Nggak bisa sepanjang manusia. 

Seharusnya mama lebih bersyukur bujang udah kuat nemenin mama selama 5 tahun. Kalo mama stress, bujang yang hibur, kalo mama sedih, bujang yang mama cari pertama kali, kalo mama bosen, bujang yg sibuk ngajak mama main, mama bangun tidur pun, muka bujang yg mama liat pertama kali. Makasih banyak ya nak, udah mau milih mama sebagai parentnya bujang. Kalo dipikir2, bujang bisa hidup sampe 5 tahun aja udah miracle buat mama. Ingetnya bujang dulu sakitnya gimana, nggak mau makan, nggak mau minum, lemes ga ada tenaga, tp msh berusaha aktif jemput mama di depan pintu kalo mama pulang kerja. Masih manja ikut mama ke kamar sambil minta gendong. Waktu km berangsur sembuh, senengnyaa mama jang.. pesimis banget awalnya. Saat itu malah mama udh mikir umur bujang ga lama lagi. Tapi ternyata bujang bisa nemenin mama 3 tahun lg setelah itu. Makasih banyak nak, udah kuat banget demi mama.

Tuhan mungkin punya rahasia nak, kenapa km dipanggil semendadak ini. Nggak ada persiapan hati sama sekali mama nak. Nggak kepikir sampe sana mama sama sekali. Tapi umur makhluk semua cuma Allah yang tau, mama yang udah tau ini harusnya bisa lebih ikhlas lepas bujang, tapi kayak yang mama bilang tadi, mama cuma manusia biasa nak, banyak kata pengandaian yg lahir dalam otak mama, banyak scenario berbagai versi yg ketulis dalam benak mama, kata2 “Coba aja kalau” sama “Andaikan waktu itu” selalu bermain di kepala mama.. tapi apalah arti andaikan, kalau memang dua kata itu nggak bisa merubah apa yang udah terjadi ya jang? Mama menyesal sekali nak.. 

Kematian bujang banyak ngasih pelajaran ke mama, dari mulai pelajaran fisikal, sampe pelajaran spiritual. Terima kasih banyak nak, bahkan kematian km masih bisa berguna buat mama. 

Sekarang yang mama bisa lakukan mungkin cuma doakan bujang, mama tau, bujang bukan ditaklif layaknya manusia. Tapi Tuhan maha baik, maha pengasih jang, mama percaya Tuhan denger doa mama. Mama doakan bujang senang disana nak, udah nggak sakit, nggak takut dan nggak bosen lagi kayak bujang nunggu mama pulang kerja. 

Papa kemaren cerita, di KL udah mulai musim hujan deras. Mama inget betapa bujang punya love and hate relationship sm hujan, bujang suka adem sm suasana hujan, tp nggak suka petirnya. 

Moga2 bujang sekarang lebih berani ya nak, jangan takut sama petir. Ada malaikat yang jaga bujang sekarang. Bujang nggak usah ngumpet di dalem lemari baju atau di kolong tempat tidur lagi. Bujang banyak temennya sekarang.

Doakan mama dari jauh ya nak, biar mama lebih bisa ikhlas lepas bujang. Maafin mama kalo mama masih suka nangis sendiri kalo inget bujang.. 

Yang penting, mama cuma titip doa aja ke Allah nak, titip salam sayang buat bujang, titip sama Allah, biar malaikat yang ngajak main sm gendong2 bujang sekarang.. mama yakin, bujang pasti tau, sampe kapan pun mama sayang banget sama bujang..

Wallahu ‘alam

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Hai hati, tenanglah! Kau sudah bersabar cukup lama, bersabarlah sedikit lagi.

Gelisah tidak akan menyelesaikan apa – apa. Jikalau memang Tuhan mengatakan tidak, apa mau dikata. Sebesar apapun engkau perjuangkan, semuanya kembali kepada aturanNya.

Sudah berapa kali kau buktikan bahwa rencanaNya lebih indah buatmu. Percaya saja. Lakukan apa yang bisa kau lakukan, dan selanjutnya percaya saja. Apapun yang terjadi, selalu ada alasan dibaliknya. Bukannya gagal sekarang lebih baik dari sesal kemudian?

Oleh karena itu tenanglah. Bukankah kau termasuk orang beriman? Laa takhof wa laa tahzan! 

Dear my Cepheus

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cas_cep

 

You are my Cepheus because I’m your Cassiopeia..
We put down Nereids, we don’t care about Poseidon..
Because we have Andromeda and Pegasus together..
I don’t care if Perseus show me 1000 of Medusa’s head, I’m willing to be stone as long as i’m with you..

 

*Found this poem that I made 6 years ago

Release

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When the whole universe asking (forcing?) you to understand them but noone seems wants to understand you.
Is it too much to ask?
I wanna be selfish sometimes.
I wanna scream but no sound was out.
Can only do a long sigh.
The dagger hasn’t been pulled out. Still heavy.
So hard taking breath.
Everything so abstract.
Cannot connect the puzzle.
Pulling myself back into my other self.
God, please don’t let me do anything stupid. It is so tempting.
Smile. Keep smile.
No worries.
Sleepy..