Childish thought

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How I wish I can turn back time and become a kid again.

What am I doing in this holiday? I supposedly not being sad and scared, i should be happy and in a festive mood.

Aah.. how happy a kid should be. They don’t have any burdened about anything. They don’t have to filter their mouth. They can speak whatever they have in their head. They don’t have to keep the people’s feeling. They don’t scared about their future. How I wish I still have those optimistic thought, after all that I’ve been through.

People that didn’t know me, maybe just saying that I’m having marriage blues. However it’s not that simple. The anxiety that I feel, is more than that. You know, it’s like you’ve been fell into a trap and you cannot free from it. You don’t know when life will eat you alive, don’t know people will depress you more and you’ll being forced to understand them. Just because you still can reserve a bit of your sanity and inteligence. Or maybe because you have better education, better job, or just simply better life in their eyes. 

I know I’m not quite normal since I was a kid. Growing happily maybe not really in my dictionary. Yes, I have some good memories. But if I count and compare with the bad one, maybe it can be more than the happy one. If not, there was no normal and happy child thinking to murder her whole family and tried to commit suicide whe she was just a ten years old. People who see in a blind eye will start blaming TV and video games. They won’t ever try to seek for the root cause.

I don’t know why, God seems like gave me a picturized of after my marriage life to me. Like all drama that I watch randomly, the news that I saw in FB timeline, unexpected blogpost that I opened accidentally. All in the same themes. Seems like all media conspire to warn me.

There were more than one story, about kind husband turn into evil husband and start to tortured his wife mentally, wife asked for divorce, the husband doesn’t want divorce her, because he already feel shame to his family because their marriage is never given full blessing from the husband side. Whatever problem that he face with his family, he will put all the blame to his wife. Court didn’t approve the wife divorce proposal, since the husband is still giving money, seems love their child, not abusing physically, not cheating, and acting kindly and loving to his wife when judgement day coming. When his wife finally died because of depression, the husband realize and asking forgiveness at his wife grave. Which is already late.

Second themes of the story, about mother in law who really hate the daughter in law. The husband loves his wife, kind and whatsoever good husband do. However, he cannot say no to his mother. The reason is always he is the older one of their siblings, and the mother is already old and sick. No one willing to take care of his mother. Whatever his mother did to his wife, the husband knows, however he just ask the wife to be patience. Wisely giving advice that the mother is also her parents. One day, his wife broke her amniotic fluid, and got bleeding while pregnant. The cause is the mother in law ordered her to do domestic work that a bit hard, like pumping water using manual pump and wash the clothes not using machine. His wife died, his child died. The husband? Just feeling guilty for the rest of his life 

Third themes of the story, the husband also kind and loving husband. He can say no to his parents. He knows, his parent didn’t like his wife, so he brought his wife far away from his home. Anyway, the family of the husband is a bit mystic. They play with black magic. They did whatever they can do in order to make the husband and wife break. In the end, the wife also suffered. Having weird disease that doctor cannot detect, until they find a good muslim preacher, and said that this is a black magic. 

I know that all the stories seems a bit dramatic, however, it is the reality that occured in society. No one could escape from reality. 

And me? Yes I am scared. I don’t know what the future holds for me. At this time, I just feel fell into one hole and still finding a way to climb and escape. 

My life seems in trial and error. Maybe I should give it a try. People said, the hardest part of marriage is in first 5 years. If you can go through more than five years, you probably survive till the end. Let see if I can still survive in five years. 

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